Dear Mel:
I really want to talk to my sister, but my mom gets really angry at any mention of her because she molested me as a child. How can I bring the subject up to my mom without her getting angry? I have not seen or talked to my sister in over 9 years, and I really want to show her that what she did to me has not destroyed me but in fact made me stronger.
~Missing Sister~

Dear Missing Sister:
My first thought is that your mother is trying to protect you. If you are underage, you need to honor her decision. I would bring it up when things are calm and say something like, “Mom, I know you are worried about my sister hurting me again. Can we talk about why you are so scared for me to talk to her?” If you can find a way to be non-confrontational with your mom, she may open up about it.

Most professionals do not advocate victims confronting their abusers in any way. On very rare occasions it goes well. What would it feel like if your sister denies it or freaks out on you? She may become verbally or physically abusive. One of the best ways you can show your abuser that they may have hurt you but it won’t control you, is by living a good life and working hard to be successful. I would caution against seeking your sister out until you are a bit older. Keep praying about the situation. If the Lord wants you to go to your sister, He will continue to prompt you. I pray that you have or are moving in the direction of being able to forgive your sister so that you can be free from that bondage.

Dear Mel:
I have been struggling for a very long time with some unkind words that a counselor said to me several years ago and to this day her words pop in my head. Is there a scripture that may help me deal with these intruding thoughts so that I can help myself get over it and move forward? I am tired of being hurt by others’ words. It never used to bother me so much and I am having difficulty understanding why peoples’ words are hurting me so much now that I am in my 50′s. Thanks for any words of encouragement, direction, etc. God bless you and your outreach.
~Desperately Seeking Scripture~

Dear Desperately Seeking Scripture:
Yes! There are so many scriptures that speak directly to this very thing. When negative things start to run through my mind, I pray about it and then I start repeating scripture or singing a Christian song or hymn out loud. It takes practice to remember to do this but as time goes on, you will become quicker with this response. I applaud you for taking positive steps to combat that negative voice!

Here are a few scriptures I have memorized for this battle:

• It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.  Galatians 5:1
• For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11
• I can do all this through him who gives me strength.  Philippians 4:13
• The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. Jeremiah 31:3
• Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. Philippians 4:8
• For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

What advice would you give ‘Missing Sister’ and/or ‘Desperately Seeking Scripture? Share in the comments below!

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* Legal disclaimer: Dear Mel is not professional advice but for entertainment purposes only. Melinda Todd, nor her readers, is not legally liable for actions taken by participating parties. Professional help should always be sought. Dear Mel is opinion only. The advice is not legal, medical, or otherwise and is   to replace advice from a doctor, attorney, or other legal authority.

Dear Mel:

I don’t know how to deal with this situation at church. I am involved at church but I want to be more involved. I have turned in the questionnaires for upcoming events so many times stating what I’d like to help with and yet, no one ever calls me to help out. The women’s ministries leader is a fairly controlling woman and she only chooses her closest friends to help with things. I feel like I’m back in middle school. Shouldn’t church be an all inclusive place for everyone? I feel like if I ask anyone from church, I’ll look like a whiner. What ideas do you have in dealing with this?
~Rejected~

Dear Rejected:

This certainly does take us back to middle school feelings of being inadequate, doesn’t it? I’ve seen these kinds of scenarios in churches. It’s not often easy to resolve. I’ll do my best to give some ideas and hopefully my readers will chime in and give you more.

Let’s start with your issue. I am going to assume you being looked over each time has to do with the women’s ministries? Do you feel comfortable addressing your concern with the leader? If you can do it in a way that isn’t accusatory but instead maybe ask if she got your card to volunteer for xyz position in the next upcoming event. Posing this question to her can give you a feel for how to proceed. If after this encounter you feel comfortable, call her and ask her to coffee. When you meet, again try not to accuse but just state how you are feeling and what you’d like to help with and how.

If after meeting together you still feel that she’s overlooking you on purpose, you might ask to meet with the pastor and her to discuss it. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that. You will have to decide how far you want to pursue this. Is there another ministry that could use your help? Does it have to be women’s ministries that you are involved in or could you find your place somewhere she’s not in charge? I do hope she doesn’t realize she is choosing only close friends to help and this issue can be easily resolved.

Here are my thoughts on women and being controlling. Most of us run a household, children, etc. We have learned to be in charge of many areas and sometimes don’t know how to let go of that need to control. When we’re not willing to submit and serve without being in control, it is selfish. We need to check our own hearts and the reason we feel we need to be in charge.

I hope you will update on this situation. I pray it comes out well for both of you.

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.  1 Peter 4:10

Do you have advice for ‘rejected’? Have you ever experienced this? Please share your stories in the comments below.

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